to be a friend or not to be a friend, that is the question

The first thing I have to admit is that I make mistakes and when they are found out I just want to crawl in a hole and shrink out of sight. A few months back I made what I found out to be the unforgivable boo boo. My intent was not to hurt my friend, and I don’t think I hurt her, but made her angry with me and she shot a few angry text messages at me and I profusely apologized, over and over and over again, but my “friend” was not having it and since that awful night, we have not been in contact in any way, shape or form. This is not the first time this happened with her, nearly six years ago something else happened, we had been together one night with another friend, laughing giggling all evening long. We had long and loud belly laughs, the three of us did, and when we parted ways we were still giggling. The next morning when I checked my emails I had a lengthy email from this “friend” and she told me she had to quit our friendship and told me the reasons why and I was just stunned and shocked and reeling. We went from being best friends to not even getting a second chance for me to make things right. Our friendship was over and kaput. She was my very best friend at the time and it hurt for me to read her words and understand where she was coming from, for the most part it didn’t make sense to me at all and so for that reason I was just as hurt as I was confused. My daughter’s wedding was coming up that Fall and I so badly wanted her to be there, but the wedding came and went, life went on and for a few years I would think about her and long for our friendship to be okay the way it used to be. I missed my friend. so. much. And then a couple years later and on occasion she would email me and ask me things, usually questions about the Amish and we struck up a friendship again, never meeting face to face, but visiting with each other via the phone every so often and I thought things were good until my big boo boo a couple months ago. 

I apologized and asking her forgiveness. A few times. I really didn’t fully understand where she was coming from, but the bottom line was we had some serious miscommunication and I let her down and it was unforgivable. I felt defeated and confused yet again and so I made a decision that night and have not looked back. I can’t have folks in my life who make a drama out of every little thing and then can’t accept an apology. 

This took me back a couple years. I had another “friend” and one night we had a little bit of a debate about a subject and I came away from that night thinking she had “won” the debate. Two days later I find her railing about me on social media. I was appalled, to say the least, and hurt and feeling very misunderstood. It didn’t take me long to figure out what that friendship’s status was. Her friends on social media? Yes, they all chimed in and told her how awful this person was and how they had friends like that too and on and on. 

I. felt. about. this. big.

On many levels I don’t understand what happened in both cases. But as I usually do with all things in life I ask myself a couple of hard questions. What do I know about the situation? As I took a mental tally of both of my friend’s actions I was able to think about all their other friendships I knew about and they were always having drama with someone. The other question I ask myself often is “What is the truth about this situation?” The truth is that I tried to apologize to the one friend. The other friend, when she had gone to social media to make her point to me, I felt like she was saying it was all over and she held no value in our friendship. I just kind of washed my hands of that friendship right away. It didn’t even hurt, I saw her do it to others over the years, always and forever having drama with someone, always a fight going on, and I knew it was my turn now. I guess you could say, I knew her “by her fruits” and when she lashed out at me, I was done, finished, kaput. I don’t hate her, I feel sorry for her. It is my opinion that you can’t help that kind of person, you can’t be their friend. They don’t really want friends, they want people to be subjects in their lives who they can bat around and beat up at a whim. It is all about them. As I looked at what had happened between the two of us, we had a debate, it wasn’t a one sided thing and I don’t know what I did wrong. We were both in the debate, she won, hands down. I wasn’t sure why I had to apologize. 

Is it okay to “walk away” from a friendship?

At this point if you bring a certain level of “drama” into my life, I will back away from you. As I get older I  feel like I know what I can put up with and what I can’t. For quite awhile I wrestled with this because being a Christian, doesn’t that mean I need to lie down and allow others to walk all over my feelings and emotions and put up with their drama? I think so, on some levels, because a Christian has been taught about forgiveness and grace and mercy and where it applies. But then there are the abusers, the ones who are Christians and feel like these principles don’t apply to them, only to the subjects they have in their lives. They are the ones who get to make the rules and call other folks out in their shortcomings, and that doesn’t feel so good for me. 

So, today I walk this earth knowing what I look for in friendships, I know what I value and I know what I will put up with. Maybe some folks reading this will say I am coming across as unforgiving and I am very wrong in stepping away from these friendships. 

My ‘gauge” has been of how I felt since walking away. This last “episode”, after having asked for forgiveness multiple times and not really receiving any, it has been “freeing” to move on and away. I guess the second time around I finally got it that she wasn’t looking for a friend, but a person she could control and manipulate. I’m not an emotional punching bag that you can take a swing at when you please.

As far as I know neither of these ladies know I have a blog. Well, the one knows, but she told me she didn’t want to read it. She told me that isn’t the kind of “genre” she was into. At the moment she is “into” prayer and learning all about it. I’m glad she has an interest in something, don’t get me wrong, but when she said that she made me feel like she didn’t care, which is okay, she is allowed to do that, I’m just saying, I’m not posting this because I want to make a point to someone in a roundabout way. They don’t come here and read as far as I know. 

So, it is taking me awhile to get to my point here, but I’ve been thinking about friendships and have a little list of what is important to me in a friend. 

1. you have to be able to have fun.

2. be serious and have deep talks about whatever is going on in our lives at the moment

3. forgiving

4. caring

5. there should be a mutual “like” for each other

6. it ends up being a win/win situation for both people, you balance each other out in some way. If I look at each of my friends I can think of a reason why they are in my life and what they bring into my life that enhances it and I have a feeling they could say the same thing about me.

7. we know each others flaws and can still look each other in the eye and can still respect each other

8. if there is a problem, we can be honest with each other and work through whatever it is and move forward in the friendship

9. there is that level of accountability that comes with true friendship, we help each other make good decisions in life, we help each other grow 

10. we accept each other for who we are and how uniquely God designed each of us.

11.don’t “use” each other for monetary gain

12. the friendship is not one-sided, meaning both people will pick up the phone on occasion, or make plans for a get together

My takeaway from these situation has been that God allows us to go through things so we can learn from them. Having gone through walking away from/losing two “friendships” I kind of grew my list of what I want in a friendship. I don’t have to check off each item on my list before you can be my friend, but it is something to think about if there is a lot of drama going on and I start to feel like an emotional punching bag for someone to beat up on. 

I would love to hear what you value in a friendship. This subject is near to my heart, I value my friends and they have helped me grow and have enhanced my life so very much. Each one being a special blessing for sure. 

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…It has no survival value; rather it is one of those thing that give value to survival.” C S Lewis

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